“I’ve decided to treat you all with a pre-season blog in advance of the regular season of Dirty 3o (which begins in February).”
Do you have a neighbor(s) from hell? Is their logic so warped, time and space would merely be considered “uneven?” Are they so pathetic, psychologists can only say, “WTH?” Do they speak so stupidly, any words coming from that hole in their face scrapes your brain like scraping nails on a chalkboard? Are their thoughts on things comparable to watching chimpanzees hurl doodoo at each other in the zoo? Are you to the point that if they say one more idiotic, ridiculous, completely moronic thing, you will have to slap…yourself?
I have a neighbor (well a couple, but we will only deal with this one) named “Dick” (for the sake of his privacy). His nickname, as you can read, says it all…what a penis! I live in a small association within a larger association. The larger association is wonderful! We live in such a manicured, attentive, quaint village. There isn’t any overgrown lawns, outside garbage cans, or left open garage doors. Cars are not allowed to park on the streets, and of course, standard laws still apply about blocking driveways, etc. Trees line the streets, cut to umbrella-like perfection, and bordering the main roads in such a way, every time you drive through them, it’s as if a bride and groom were being received by the “arch of swords.” People take care of their homes and decks, always trying to do the “best” job, and not just the cheapest. Also, people take care of each other, looking after one another’s kids, and always making sure to behave like decent, mature individuals…the “be a good neighbor” policy is constantly playing through one’s mind, like a stock market ticker tape machine!
(Ahem)
Then there is my association. My darling husband is the president of the board (which have five members, three self-appointed and two from one unit). Big Dick moron is one of the self-appointed asses (and only for the purpose of blocking any improvements) on the board. My husband, also known as the “voice of reason,” has to contend with this s.o.b. at meetings (along with the others of lesser or equal value on the moronic scale). Dick doesn’t want to spend money (as if we want to either, but for the sake of upkeep and improvement) at all!! Need a new roof? “NAY!” Want to replace the thirty-year old sagging (in front of almost every porch) faded, warped deck? “NAY! instead, why don’t we just turn the wood over and stain it!” Need to paint the entire complex because the paint has faded and not matching? “NAY! It’s too expensive!” (Let’s just hire some general handyman, who does not specialize in any painting, and does not own any of his own equipment, therefore we need to purchase everything…!) Want to resurface the swimming pool because it is chipping and nasty, as well as bringing it up to code? ”NAY! Let’s just say we did it and not tell anyone!” I mean this guy doesn’t want to do anything!! He doesn’t even live here, either; his condo is a vacation rental. He rents to the nastiest people, who are constantly blocking the driveways (and I am constantly calling security, the police, the HOA…even as I write this now, he himself is blocking the the driveway, just to be an ass…which matches his face!) There are usually ten cars, piled with about thirty back-woods rednecks, all trying to get naked in the pool! Dick actually complained about the pool being “green” once (which he refuses to pay any extra for the maintenance of the pool, nor for extra cleaning). Well, what do you expect when you have fifty-plus beer-guzzling, ”Deliverance” characters pissing yellow in the pool? Yellow and blue make “green!”
I wonder, sometimes, what makes him so crazy. After I laugh my ass off, it hits me…there isn’t any dealing with “crazy!” Still, as a neighbor, “cooperation” comes to mind, like the ideal ecosystem. However, he’s the opposite, he’s…
And then it hit me………………………”all in favor?” The Dirty 30 Theory of, “NAY-bor-lee!”
We all have a “Dick” for a neighbor, even if that neighbor lives two blocks from you! The problem is he has a tendency to sway the “other crazy people” his way (although those numbers are shrinking). According to, “The Laws of Power,” by Robert Greene, Law 42: “Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep will scatter.” This says, basically, to squash the troublemaker and his flock will run in different directions. This, by the way, is definitely something I agree with, but then there’s my friend, who says I should put out a table with some food and wine on it and sit everyone down to eat. Sounds good, but it would only end up like one of those royal dinners, where we would have to hire testers to taste the food first! Besides, this isn’t some adorable Italian movie, where everyone argues and flirts (blech) with each other at the table and still manages to drink cabernet, rub olive oil on their lips, say, “amore” and smell bread…no this is more like “The Last Supper,” where someone will, eventually, deny you three times! 
The “DIRT-y 30 Theory” is a blog about laughing at life after thirty (even if you are twenty!) ! Based on my own observations and experiences, the “DIRT-y 30 Theory” is just that, my “theories” about life, love and where to eat a good piece of shriveled sausage!! “DIRT-y 30 and Beyond…Get the DIRT!”